The Wall

So, less than a week ago our mum died. It wasn’t unexpected – she’d been battling bowel cancer for more than three years, and had breast cancer a few years before that. It wasn’t horrific – she was at home, surrounded by family, flowers and love.

But it was shocking. After spending Christmas happy and healthy (more or less), Mum started to deteriorate rapidly. It’s been a tough and scary few months for my sister Ffion and me, as we watched our mum decline. Every week brought a new low as we saw her energy levels drop, her appetite disappear and her mind begin to wander.

That’s why Ffion and I have recently become experts at building ‘The Wall’. It’s fairly self-explanatory. Whenever we feel the bottom lip begin to tremble, a sharp reminder to ourselves or one another brings things back on track. It sounds harsh. It totally is. But breaking down in floods of tears and curling up in a ball to hide away from the world isn’t really an option. Particularly last week, when our mother was on her deathbed in the next room, and every second with her was precious.

The Wall is still well and truly up now that she’s gone. With a funeral to plan and a will to sort out, letting The Wall fall still isn’t on the cards any time soon. That comes with a certain level of guilt – I haven’t actually cried today, and I’m not sure I shed any serious tears yesterday, come to think of it. But hey ho. There’ll be plenty of time for sadness after the funeral… for now, it’s time to get down to business.

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